penamerah

tulis..~

2011-09-13T00:33:00.003+08:00

tulis..
aku bisa reka cerita,
paling mudah mengungkap kata,
kata tanpa bicara..

tulis..
aku bisa pamer warna sebuah lukisan,
aku bisa pamer makna secebis perasaan,
lalu ku gubah jadi coretan..

tulis..
ia bisa mengguris,
bila ungkai kata jadi coretan luka,
tajam pedih menusuk dada..

tulis..
ia bisa menghibur hati,
bila tiap rangkai diuntai jadi cerita,
cerita buat kau bahagia..

lalu terhenti sejenak..
lantas terfikir aku hanya perlu kata,
untuk ku tulis jadi cerita,
cerita kita berdua..

a perfect day..~

2011-06-04T11:12:00.002+08:00

i've watched a m0vie last nite..
a perfect day..
n it reminds me h0w bad a person cud be 0nce they turned int0 da p0pular ones..
but its not b0ut dat t0tally..
i l0ves b0oks, precisely n0vel of c0urse..
i did think ab0ut being a n0velist, but u kn0e it's n0t as simple as u see it..
u need w0rds, l0vely w0rds, beautiful w0rds t0 enchant pe0ple..
then i think that maybe i'm juz a n0vel l0ver, n0t da typing th0usands w0rds kind.. i enj0y da st0ry but to make up a st0ry, dats n0t my thing..
i've been thinking b0ut writing j0urnal lately..since i started to feel dis kind of guilty things d0wn inside my st0mach c0z i've been h0me but still n0t w0rking..
n0w it's 0bvi0us rite..
j0bless person cud think anything to c0nsider as j0b since they are J0BLESS.. =p
ok, that's all f0r now..
i'll keep in t0uch later k deary diary..

p/s: i miss my bl0g actually.. =)
x0x0

2010-11-25T13:45:00.002+08:00

i'm listening to estrella recently..
it might seem 0ld n 0dd, but i juz realized their s0ngs pretty in their 0wn ways..
pretty s0ngs huh? i d0esn't make any different wif da s0ngs i've heard bf0re fr0m vari0us bands, it juz dat the s0ngs t0uch ur heart in a different way..
sweet but yet melanch0lic~
i hav to say dis.. =)

can i get ur number,
i can be ur shelter,
through da rain n thunder,
break ur heart, i'll never..~
i juz l0ve dis part!
it reminds me of my c0mic collections..
dis c0mic entitled biru vi0let n ungu vi0let..
b0ut a gurl which is really int0 a guy..
n she keeps on f0llowing him, until she realized if she didn't keep up like dat,
the relati0nship between them wud disappear..juz like dat..
as it was like it never happened..~

talking b0ut heaven..
f0r ordinary, 0rdinary pe0ple..
i can be ur angel..~
=)
l0vely~

dats all f0r n0w.. <3

~i want u t0 kn0e..

2010-11-04T02:01:00.003+08:00

i cry, a l0t..
but seem u didn't hear.

i laugh, a bit..
but seem u didn't care.

i think, sumtimes..
still, seem u didn't realized.

i'm tired..
keeping up like dis..
seems like if i don't make a move..
it'll g0 nowhere,
n i wud be left behind..
c0ld..

~smile n have fun..

2010-08-02T08:58:00.003+08:00

~Come for record breaking event: let's make the biggest human smiley face on 7th August, Saturday! Just smile!!! And the whole world will smile with you.. ^_^

~ http://malaysia.youthsays.com/akikonada/fun ~ ^_^

~hari ini..

2010-07-09T12:05:00.000+08:00

tersenyum lagi.

di celah rumpun hijau berharga itu,

aku membelah kabus pagi.

menuju ke destinasi yang sudah pasti..

usai pagi.

masih tersenyum lagi.

di balik tembok keratan kaca,

kelihatan orang-orang yang selama ini sangat membina.

apa mereka boleh kukatakan pembela bangsa..

sore.

aku masih di sini dan tersenyum lagi.

kerna di sebalik jam kaca itu,

tertera detik-detik yang kuhitung hampir tiba.

dan selepas ini bakal menuju ke destinasi yang pasti lagi..

apa esok masih seperti hari ini..

~ku katakan dengan indah..

2010-04-05T19:53:00.002+08:00

hari semalam.

ku katakan dengan indah.

hati ini sejuk sekali.

semuanya pergi tinggal aku sepi sendiri..

hari ini.

bisa ku katakan aku gundah.

semuanya tidak seperti yang aku impi.

tapi tidak mengapa kerna,

jiwa ini tenang sekali.

Alhamdulillah..

hari esok.

apa yang bisa aku katakan.

gundah atau indah?

semuanya milik Ilahi.

2000

lumayan.

..the good and the bad..

2010-02-16T22:27:00.001+08:00

2010-01-30T14:11:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah

the only words i could say..

as i go through int0 dis moment deeper..

its getting hurt a lot..

but still i'm grateful f0 wut had happen..

dis is my destiny..

it teach me h0w to be patient and rational..

I've learn a few things..

but very precious..

priceless..

may Allah bless us always..

Amiin..

~int0 a new dimension~

2010-01-28T13:25:00.003+08:00

...Alhamdulillah...

everything's goin' on well..segalanya dipermudahkan..there's sumthing bey0nd mind why all of dis happen to me..n i'm grateful f0r it..hoping f0r better c0ndition even th0ugh we cannot change wut we have rite n0w..

~be blessed~

...0ut...

2010-01-28T01:04:00.002+08:00

out wif one of my besties..g times..wut a nite..keb0sanan tahap melampau yg mend0r0ng kpd gejala kluar rumah..huuuuuu..ape2 p0n, i b0ught a shirt..really nice..thanx paan..tlg pilih..huuu..

2010-01-26T23:18:00.000+08:00

"www.mrjol.com"

he's g0ne..f0r awhile..

2010-01-12T00:55:00.002+08:00

hurm..nothing happen much recently..but he's g0ne..for awhile and f0r gud..things had been destined f0r us in dis way..n i'm grateful f0r it..it's n0t dat i'm happy when he's n0t here wif me..it juz dat i've been given a space dat i'm asking for..a space f0r me to take a break and rejuvenate my life..i'll be missing u my dear..a l0t..

new year 2010..

2010-01-03T17:55:00.003+08:00

hurm..seri0usly i didn't realized its 2010 already..it was dull..n0 celebration..huuuuuuuu..l0ts of things happen recently..my br0ther fell sick so as my auntie..in da meantime we g0t busy wif 0ur new family members..muhammad rabbani..he is s0oo cute..heeee..

upSide d0wN

2009-12-31T00:39:00.003+08:00

life c0uld be unexpected..as i said bef0re, i never forget h0w cruel life c0uld act..but there's nob0dy to blame..it juz happen..when sumtimes reality strikes u right, u really feel like there's n0 hope..but dun f0rget there's a reason in every part of life that has destined f0r us..so be grateful f0r wut we have bef0re we lose it..i'm pretty sure my br0ther is a str0ng guy dat w0uld never give up..he g0t str0ke attack juz last night..it juz happen and it was a nightmare..i'm grateful dat my mum can take it well..for u my dear br0ther, may u get well s0on..we l0ve u..and i'm sorry i couldn't visit u in da meantime..may Allah bless him always..

~dedicated to my unwell big br0ther~

i'm s0rry..

2009-12-19T04:10:00.001+08:00

i know i was being so hard on you..maybe it even bored u..but dis is me and i'm sorry for being like dat.. when i said,"we need a break", dat was the stupidest thing i've ever said..i was angry by dat moment..totally angry..i was out of my mind..i'm sorry for dat..even i said only "awhile", it was a lie..i can't breath even a second without u..

~saye dan die~

2009-10-31T14:12:00.000+08:00

..l0ve story..

2009-07-27T15:22:00.000+08:00

it was a gl0omy day
but my heart was bl0oming, there was no grey
as i lo0k back and thinking of y0u
i realized dis is da best ever l0ve story i've go through..

m0mmy

2009-05-10T21:12:00.000+08:00

only a mother can communicate love without saying a word..

the love u give me everyday and the strenght to stand today is all beyond words..

Happy Mother's Day..

p/s: m0m, h0pe to see u s0on..sori couldn't make it dis h0liday..miss u s0 much..i l0ve u like i love no other..may Allah bless u always m0m..

m0mmy

2009-05-10T20:59:00.000+08:00

n n0w i ch0ose him..

2009-05-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

time g0es by..another part of me had bec0me my hist0ry tonite..i've ended everything dat obliged me to cho0se him t0nite n i'm grateful it ended in a gud way..i never felt as relieved as i am n0w bf0re..kn0wing dat u culd walk out of ur past with0ut owe anybody,anything and run to ur future wif a brand new start..n0thing can be better than dis m0ment..i kept my pr0mise dat i wuld not let him d0wn..n t0nite, the 0nly reason dat culd make me let him d0wn had g0ne..h0w hepi life culd be..but i still dun forget how cruel it culd acts..n n0w, sitting on a chair while my fingers tracking d0wn 0nto the keyb0ard, expressing wut i feel and i had go through t0nite..t0o much for a nite i guess..well,dats all f0r now..nothing else i can say..

..i am hepi..

2009-04-29T03:55:00.000+08:00

~29/03/2009~

it was such a beautiful wedding..saw everybody's hepi face with best hopes f0r da gr0om n bride was really exciting..it was da best m0ment i've ever had..as i staring t0wards the luvly c0uple, i've been thinking a lot..everybody will find sum0ne but will it be da right one..i tried to find the answer by take a l0ok 0ver da guests but still couldn't found it..and lastly i had came to a c0nclusion that life is a mysteri0us thing that u can expl0re but with0ut knowing wut will kn0ck on ur d0or..

sumh0w..

sumwhere..

there is sum0ne made f0r u..

~..^_^..~

2009-02-14T16:42:00.000+08:00

as i stayed al0ne, i've been thinking b0ut maself..lots of thing happen recently..things come int0 0urlives then it walked by..we still left behind..my h0usemates were 0ut..meeting fwens, going h0me..and there is me, left behind..sumtimes i used t0 think, "wut a life.." but dis is life..n0thing u can d0 t0 hush ur grey day unless u appreciate every m0ment dat u have..it was raining 0utside..as my eyes staring t0wards da scenery, my mind running t0 make up a to-do-list 4 t0day..but n0thing c0mes through..and at dis m0ment, i've decided to j0g later..h0ping the rain will st0p by then..

i ch0ose you..

2009-02-04T02:06:00.000+08:00

~01/02/09~

i had a day out with him..a date..more to celebrate his bufday on 31st jan.. we walked..we talked much..

it had been a long time since we were sharing things..i knew he tried to make things right.. but sumtimes i felt like i won't forgive ma self for not letting him know the truth..it was a mistake when i thought there is(or shuld be there was) sumone who can replace him..he hurts me?sumtimes..he ignores me?never..he makes me cry?always..but wuteva he had done, n0 one can makes me laugh like he did..i laughed a lot, not only that day but since i knew him..that day went by slowly..i spent da whole day with him and it reminds me h0w happy i am supposed to be when i was with him..and when i am staring int0 his eyes, it's really like falling in love with him again, only this time much deeper..

this is who i am..

2009-01-22T00:02:00.000+08:00

as i lay awake at night,

i think bout the day that just went by,

wondering if i could have changed anything to make it better...

i think bout my future,

what i can do to reach my dreams,

how to achieve them,

if i have what it takes,

and if i'm on the right path in life...

i think bout my past,

all the people i've met,

who i've liked and disliked,

my family and friends,

how i grew up,

and what i've accomplished...

i think bout what's really important to me,

my morals and values...

i think of how the world works,

and how i would change it if i could...

i think of what i've been through,

and how i feel...

at the end of the day,

i think bout who i am...

responsibility

2009-01-19T02:45:00.000+08:00

~1~

assalamu'alaikum, Please don't break or putuskan mail ni...keep on fowarding to ur friend insyallah, Allah aminkan doa kita 9:07 PM 1/16 Penasihat Majlis Agama Islam Johor, Datuk Nooh Gadot dipetik sebagai berkata: "Hukum memboikot barang AS kini jatuh WAJIB dan jika ada sesiapa yang tidak mahu memboikot maka hukum menyokong AS dan Israel ialah lawan bagi wajib, iaitu HARAM." Beliau menegaskan hukum wajib itu tepat kerana adalah jelas AS dan Israel kini terus degil, sombong, takbur, bongkak, tidak berperikemanusiaan, musuh agama dan membunuh manusia tidak berdosa termasuk kanak-kanak, wanita dan warga tua di Gaza. "Usaha ini perlu berterusan dan jangan hangat-hangat tahi ayam," katanya. Dipetik dari Utusan Malaysia- 12/1/2009

~2~

McDonald's and Starbucks have today announced that they will be donating all profits from now until Sunday to Israel war. Also, the producers of Adam Sandler's new movie Bed Time Stories will be donating their profits to Israel . Be informed, and let others know not to contribute and refuse to support these monsters that believe in killing innocent civilians. Boycott McDonald's and Starbucks. Also don't take your kids to see a movie that promotes violence by association. Together we can make a difference! Please pass this email to as many people as you know. Thanks.

~3~

esteqqama qama: salman maskuri: salam. siapakah saed siyam pemimpin utama hamas yg baru syahid pkl 7 pm .http://akhisalman.blogspot.com/ sebar . tq

am i perfect?

2009-01-16T11:22:00.001+08:00

no body's perfect..as my eyes caught the title of this book, it also caught the attention from my heart..the title was so right..i saw this book at a book festival held by scholastic..the perfection of the title led me to but this book..the co-author of this book is a woman who also contributed her ideas in chicken soup for teenage..so i had a first impression about this book..it is kind of motivation book..and to be honest, i need it..it is not becoz i had lost my nerve or even my spirit but i do believed that everybody needs a motivation..we have to motivate ourselves in order to console, to treat, to change ourselves to be a better person..we cannot expect others to console us most of the time coz they are juz like us..so why don't we do it for ourselves..so. the conclusion was i bought the book.. about an hour after it belongs to me, i started to explore it..and i had found the most amazing true stories about teenage that had been through so many obstacles but they had managed it..this book taught me not to be obsess with skinny skank, not to think bout what other think bout me, feel good bout myself, be grateful, be thankful and aware me how serious peers influence can affect me..and i can't tell u how grateful i am to find this book..and for the answer to the title..i am not perfect, so do u..

dear book,
be mine always..
coz u're the one who show me the way..
coz u're the one who hush my grey day..
i'll pray hard and i promise..
i'll do anything to make u stay..

2009-01-14T18:50:00.000+08:00

students' council..

i had been through quite tiring day as my friend, erin had become one of the MPPs' candidate..i sort of become her assistant..made up fliers, posters and so on..going through campaign with her..it was really exciting moment i ever had..even though i am not chosen, experiencing these days were so great..+ this is the 1st MPP thing in this university..it feels so good when knowing sumthing new is happening and u're one of the pioneer..good luck to erin!hurm..i am hoping that this will election will going through smoothly and everything will get better..becoz with the existance of MPP, the students can express their voice using the right channel to the right place..as long as the candidates realized that entering MPP is not only bout their own priviledges, it is juz gud enough..

sad love story

2009-01-12T23:20:00.001+08:00

only you...........

It's a cold February night. People are bustling through the streets, either pulling up their coat collars or wrapping scarves around their necks, trying to stay warm.

It's so cold today.I'm standing at my window, looking at the people moving
like little dots. Standing in a heated room, I'm beginning to pity those
people. Why don't they go home? Do they plan on wandering until morning?

"Almost time to go home! My boyfriend must be going crazy." One of the nurses breathe a sign of relief. "Still needs to work overtime on Valentine's Day. It's so unfair!"

"You are fortunate." Another nurse says. "Some people don't have anyone waiting for them."

"You mean Dr. Shu?"

Like Sherlock Holmes, my ears perk up when I hear my name.

"Do you remember how she lost control on this day last year?"

"Of course I do." A nurse shudders. "I've never seen Dr. Shu like that. Crying and yelling, like she was crazy."

They are talking about how I was last year. They are correct. I was out of control, like they said.

"You can't blame Dr. Shu. If my boyfriend died in front of my eyes, I would
probably go crazy as well."

"Keep it down. She hasn't left work yet. She might hear you."

The two nurses are too late. I heard the entire conversation through the canvas wall.

"Dr. Shu, what are you doing standing here?"

Just as I was deciding whether or not to reveal myself, another nurse exposed me. I awkwardly step out. The 2 nurses who discussed me start to blush. Their faces became redder than the bow on Valentine's Day chocolates.

"I'm waiting to go home." I pretend that I didn't hear anything.

"Dr. Shu, you must have gotten too involved in your work. It's already past
time to go home. See you tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day!" She waves
goodbye.

"Happy Valentine's Day." I wave back and watch the 2 nurses hurry away.

That's fine. I was ready to go home anyway. Even though no lover is waiting
for me, at least there's a lazy cat waiting for me to feed.

After I come home, the first thing I do is feed the cat. I forgot when I first had the cat. Probably since last year's Valentine's Day. At that time, I was like an abandoned cat, with eyes filled with despair. Cats don't cry, I do. That's the only difference.

"Better drink all the milk or I'll skin you." I threatened the cat. Her name is Christine, my least favorite English name. I don't know why I named the cat Christine. Christine meowed once to let me know she heard me, but her eyes are complaining about my severity. Her eyes remind me of someone I used to know, standing in front of me with eyes of rebellions.

An year ago today, I had lunch with my boyfriend and took the opportunity to complain to him.

"Today is Valentine's Day. Why didn't you give me any flowers?"

He raised his eyebrow. "Why should I give you flowers? You are not my anyone."

"Then... you should at least give me a card!" I pouted my lips, hurt by his tone.

"I know, I know. After lunch, I'll send you an e-card."

E-card. That sounds so impersonal, but that's the way he is.
"You have to e-mail it to me. I'll be waiting." I excitedly smiled and planned to sneak home after lunch to check e-mail. Even though he wouldn't use any romantic words, I still looked forward to the card.

"I can't stand you women. Why do you make such a big deal out of Valentine's Day??" He grumbled while eating his food. His comment induced me to fight with him again.

"You are not romantic at all!! Don't you watch any Japanese drama?"

"Japanese drama? I only watch Discovery Channel."

"Your life is so boring." I made a face at him. "One recent drama was really good. You should have watched it."

"What's that drama called?" He didn't believe in the love portrayed in TV and movies. He always thought they were lies.

"It's called 'Story of A Century'." I gladly answered.

"What kind of trashy plot did it have?"

"What do you mean trash?? Show some respect!" I was so angry. "That drama was very touching, and the theme song was beautiful as well. It's called 'Only Love', performed by Nana Mouskouri." I wonder if he knew who Nana was.

"Nana, I know her. A Greek singer with really expensive albums."

"Her voice is worth it." Even though I secretly agreed with him, I couldn't bring myself to admit it.

"Whatever." He glanced at his watch. "I'll give you 5 minutes to tell me the plot. After that, I'm leaving."

I tried hard to explain 6 hours worth of story in just 5 minutes. The drama portrayed the love stories of 3 generations of women spanning 100 years, from 1901 to 2000. Each generation was portrayed by the same actress. The story was tear-jerking.

"What's so touching about it?" He asked, after listening to the story.

"Don't you think each generation's story is wonderful? If I have such great screen writing ability, I wouldn't be a doctor anymore. I would become a screenwriter."

"If you become a screenwriter, I bet no one would watch the show. The TV station can go out of business." He quickly interjected.

"I'm going back to work. Hurry and send me the card!" I was so mad that I went home immediately, not even finishing my coffee.

As soon as I walked in my door, I turned on my computer and go online.

Staring at the empty in-box, I began to reminisce about how we met. Maybe no one will believe me, but my boyfriend and I were actually neighbors. Our homes were only 1 wall away. Ever since we were kids, we liked to fight with each other all day long. I still remember when I moved to the country that year. Used to the city life, I couldn't get used to the simple life in the country. After school, I would just go home and do nothing. Whenever that happened, he would always come over to tease me.

"Why are you staring off into space??" He loved to pull on my hair. "You're so ugly when you're doing nothing. But you're also not pretty when you smile." In other words, I'm really ugly.

"You're the one who's ugly!" I pull back my hair. "If you think I'm so ugly, why do you visit me??"

"Can't help it. My home is right next to your home." He argued.

"Then I'll move!" The next day, I drew a line in the ground using some white chalk. A line that I forbid him to cross.

That year, we were both in the 5th grade. We couldn't stand each other and hoped the other would move away. But 5 years passed, and neither of us moved. Not only that, we got into the same high school and into the same class.

"You're that infamous couple." All the students and teachers in the school would say whenever they saw us.

"We're not!" I always tried to explain. "We're only neighbors." At that time, I hated my parents for making us live next to him.

"My standard is not that low." He would say. "Who wants her to be a girlfriend?? It's not like I don't have eyes."

"Yes, I know your eyes are on top of your head." I really disliked him. "Better than having eyes on the bottom of my head like you." He implied that I couldn't judge guys. At that time, I had a crush on a senior.

I didn't think that his sarcasm had a hidden meaning. After a while, I found out that the senior student had lots of girlfriends. When I cried about it, he silently passed me a handkerchief and awkwardly held me in his arms.

"I told you he wasn't any good." He roughly comforted me. I cried in his arms the whole night, and began to see him in a different way. Things began to change between us. We still fought all the time, but he started to look at me differently. And I blushed and my heart beat faster when he was near. We both knew: we fell in love with each other.

Even with this knowledge, neither of us said anything. Even though we would
not be able to resist and kissed each other constantly. Even though we cared about each other's every moves. Both of us refused to admit our love.

Time flew by quickly, and it was time to face separation. I chose to study medicine, and he chose physics. Yet we still couldn't separate from each other. Our parents worried that we didn't know anyone in Taipei, so they forced us to live in the same apartment building. Once again, we became neighbors. We still fought, but sometimes we fought into the bedroom. Alright, we became lovers, but we still wouldn't say we loved each other. We didn't even spend Valentine's Day together until he saw me share dinner with a man one Valentine's Day. That night, he waited for me in front of my door and said that he would take me out to dinner on Valentine's Day from then on. I have to say that he was very arrogant. But I nodded and accepted his request. Since then, we spent every Valentine's Day together. After graduation, I became an intern. He started a small computer company with some friends and became a programmer. We were busy with our own lives and had no time for a relationship. Three years later, I became a doctor, and his business began to boom. We separately moved to bigger
apartments and stopped being neighbors. On the surface, we left each other. In reality, we were still together. We spent every Valentine's Day together but each year became more dreary than the next because he never told me he loved me even with all my hints.

Facing the empty in-box, I suddenly grew very angry. He wouldn't say it and
wouldn't send me a card. What did he mean? Who did he think I was? I called
his cell phone.

"Hello." He picked up the phone.

"I didn't receive the card." I immediately showed my displeasure.

"You didn't receive it?" He seemed really busy. "But I sent it."

He was really busy but I didn't care. "I didn't receive it. Send it again."

"Okay, I'll send you 100 times. Is that good enough??" He said with impatience. His tone further infuriated me. Is that how lovers speak to each other?

"Don't bother sending it to me. And you don't have to pick me up tonight.

I'll eat dinner by myself."

"Don't be childish, ok? I'm really busy."

"I AM childish!" I hung up the phone and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Childish?? Why didn't he consider the situation? We've gone out for so many years and spent countless Valentine's Day together. I never received any flowers nor cards from him. Now, I just want a little e-card. Is that too much to ask for??

I unplugged the phone from the wall and turned off my cell phone. I didn't want to hear his explanations. After I returned to the hospital, I instructed the receptionist not to forward me any phone calls. I wanted to concentrate on work.

Because there were so many emergencies today, I was sweating 1 hour later and forgot about our argument.

"Dr. Shu, please take a look at that patient."

As I was collecting my equipment, the shrill sound of an ambulance sounded
outside the ER. When I stepped out the door, the emergency medics hurriedly
wheeled in a gurney.

"What happened to him?" I asked the 1st medic. Everyone else were trying to
help put the patient on the gurney. He was covered with blood.

"Car accident." The medic replied. "Very serious. He may die."

I nodded and ran to the operating room with them. When I arrived, the nurses told me that the man had already stopped breathing and also his heartbeat also stopped

"Prepare for shock." I calmly instructed the nurses. Saving people is our duty. We can't lose our calm.

But when I saw who laid on the operating table, I lost my calm. That person was my boyfriend!

"No..." I stood in shock. "NO!!!" I grabbed the paddles and continuously shocked his body. His body bounced up and down from the shocks. The scared nurses went to find another doctor, to tell him that I was crazy.

I didn't know if I was crazy or not. I just wanted to save my lover. Even though we fought all the time. Even though he never showed me his love. I still wanted to save him. He still owed me a card. He couldn't die! I threw away the paddles and began to press on his heart. I pressed with all my strength, hoping it would revive him, but he didn't wake up. He didn't even say "It hurts". He just laid there with his eyes closed, punishing me with his silence.

Dr. Jian angrily pushed me away. By that time, I couldn't see clearly anymore. I cried. I wailed. I bowled until no sounds could come out of my mouth.

"It's too late, Dr. Shu. He's already dead. I'm sorry." Dr. Jian patted me on the shoulder. They knew each other and ate together once. I introduced them.

"He can't die." I shook my head. "He can't die!!" I struggled to run to him.

"Dr. Shu, control yourself!" Dr. Jian slapped me. "I understand what you're going through, but you're a doctor."

Yes, I'm a doctor, but I'm also a regular person. How can Dr. Jian understand how I feel? I've loved him for so many years that it's become a habit. How can I just throw away a habit? Besides, he still owed me a card. "I want him to live! I want him to live!" I ran to him again and tried to knock the life back into his body.

"Take her away!" That day, I lost my control and my professionalism.

And that day happened to be Valentine's Day.

Afterwards, I asked his co-workers why he left work early that day.

They told me that after I hung up the phone, he tried to call me several times but couldn't reach me. Worried, he drove to the hospital to find me and got hit by a large truck on the way.

When I heard this, I froze. My tantrum killed him. Just because of an unmailed card, he died. After that, I lost my privilege to be childish.

Like an abandoned cat, I couldn't even cry anymore. After his death, I couldn't cry anymore, regardless of how touching the plot or how tear-jerking the dialogue. They didn't affect me anymore.

Now, I'm only left with a cat and a seldomly used computer. Stepping over the cat, I turned on the computer. Even though I know no one will send me a mail, I still hoped that someone will remember me on this day.

Meow, meow. I looked at Christine to see what's wrong. She finished her milk. I went into the kitchen to get her more milk then came back to look at the computer screen.

I have.... 100 emails! Who would be bored enough to send me 100 junk mail?

I was just about to delete them all when I received another mail, and this one said: "Because of system error, we could not send these until today.

We apologize for the delay." The sender was my ISP.

I looked at the 1st mail. It showed the send date is last year's Valentine's Day. My heart began to beat fast. Could he have sent these?

With a trembling hand, I opened the mail. The first thing that popped up was a gorgeous red rose set against green leaves. Then a beautiful melody began to play.... "Only Love". I couldn't believe it. The rose was so beautiful and the music was so dreamy. I almost thought I was in a fantasy. Most touching of all were the words underneath the rose, because the words read like a beautiful poem.

"Hwei."

That's my name.

"Knowing you so many years, I've never sent you any flowers. Today I send you a rose."

I received it and it's so beautiful.

"You know we are always fighting. We can never really open our hearts and tell each other how we feel."

Yes, but it's all your fault for being so distant.

"I know I always make you mad by the things I say."

Good that you're admitting it.

"But today I want to say to you: I'm sorry, and I love you."

I waited so many years for those words.

"And I want to tell you a good news. I finally saved enough money."

You already have enough money. Why did you need so much?

"So Hwei, let's get married!! I was afraid to propose to you, because I didn't trust in my ability to give you the good life you deserve. But now I've saved enough money so we don't have to wait anymore."

Who wanted you to wait? I'm already yours.

"Today, I use this card to propose to you. Will you marry me, Hwei? Will you?"

That's the content of the whole card. Like a fool, I kept reading his words and talking to him. It's like I can hear his voice and see him again.

As if it's back to 1 year ago with us constantly fighting.

The song played over and over. Repeating Nana's heartbreaking voice.

Only love can make a memory.
Only love can make a moment last.
You were there and all the world was young and all it's songs unsung.
and I remember you then when love was all,
all you were living for,
and how you gave that love to me...."

The lyrics of this song fits our love so closely. When he was alive, my world was so young. Every day, I could find a something different to fight with him about. But after he left, my life is only left with memories and coldness that will never go away.

"Will you marry me?"

When I read these words, my tears unconsciously came, wetting the keyboard.

Will I? If he's in front of me, I will definitely kick him and call him a big fool. If I wasn't willing, I wouldn't have waited until today.

So I moved the cursor over the "Reply" box, and typed the response that I've already prepared for so many years - "I will."

I will - be by his side for the rest of my life. I will - fight with him forever. That is how I answered him, but the only response I got was the repeating song "Only Love."

Nevertheless, I opened every single letter, accepted every singled rose, and typed the same response: "I will."

I replied 100 times, and "Only Love" played 100 times. In this cold Valentine's night, the line that's been broken for 1 year finally got reconnected.

I answered you. What about you?

students' council???

2009-01-11T23:56:00.000+08:00

mpp
Being one of it is a dream of every ambitious student..
Student council..an organization that was established on a purpose of voicing out the students’ voice. I believed there are many privileges of being a member of students’ council..but in order to get there, we have to go through ignorance, cruelty, hatred, and even betrayal..the purpose of students’ council now is totally blur.. they talked bout this and that..they promises they will do this and that if they are chosen..they stabbed on each other juz to make sure they get what they think they deserve..’they’ that I’m talking bout is the nominees of students’ council..they forget bout helping each other..they forget bout supporting each other..they forget bout standing by each other..instead of that, they embedded the feeling of hatred..the feeling of jealousy..are these the characteristic that we want in every students’ council..i bet we don’t..this is not bout anyone..this is not bout u and this is also not bout me…but this bout wut is happening nowadays..the way the students’ council nominees act is the adaption from wut we see for real..

we saw it, we think bout it, we are not agree with it but we have no voice to stand again it..

i want u..but i need him..

2009-01-11T04:01:00.001+08:00

berada dlm situasi yg memerlukan keputusan..i believed we'll face it even once in ourlives..kondisi yg memenatkan..kondisi yg memerlukan perhitungan..i want u but i need him.. mungkin kedengaran sumbang..mungkin kelihatan cela..tetapi yg pasti ianya menuntut jawapan yg bukan mudah utk diberi..

i want u..but why?

i used to be sad, but u make me happy..

i used to cry, but u make me laugh..

i used to fall, u raise me up..

i used to break down, u build me up..

i used to be wrong, u correct me..

i used to be fool, u make it smart..

i used to be dumb, but u loved me..

i need him..but why?

he gives me the strength to stand on my own..

he gives me faith to believe in myself..

he gives me joy to bright my life..

he holds me tight, so i don't fall apart..

he lends his shoulder for me to cry..

he says he'll be there until he dies..

u or him..i'm still thinking bout it..

where did you go...

2009-01-10T14:38:00.000+08:00

a friend..
a person..
comes into ourlives..
bring into joy and happiness..
but in a second they could walk away and leave us helpless..

a friend ..
a person..
comes by ourside...
they console our pain..
they comfort our feeling..
they wipe our tears..
they lend their shoulders..
but in a minute..
they are gone..
to nowhere..
and we left behind hurted..

deep inside our hearts..
we are crying..
we are dying..
and we are saying..
"dear friend, where did you go? i am here waiting cause' i need u so..."

this and that..

2009-01-10T01:58:00.000+08:00

assalamualaikum..

this is my 1st time of writing my own blog..in the middle of the night, in the air of excitement, i started to write my own blog in my own way..writing a blog, wut is it feel like? i've asked a few person..some of them feel excited bout it, some of them dedicated their heart to it, some of them become part of it..and now i am thinking, what kind of feeling i am going into? and i did not find the answer..i am confused..in one moment, too much to be written, too much to be expressed, too much to be dedicated through this tiny spaces..hurm..enough bout that..and this is all for now..

cheerio..